Mea Culpa

It's my fault! It's not your fault; it's not my neighbors fault; it's not the government's fault; it's definitely not God's fault. I've been a jack ass!

I've done things in my life that I am so ashamed of that I shudder when they cross my mind. They haunt me in the still of the night when I should be sleeping the sleep of the righteous. I awaken in the morning and they are sometimes the first thing to leap into my mind. I wretch when they rear their ugly heads.

I wish I could say it was someone else's fault. I'd love to look back on my life and say, "At least, I didn't do..." Yet, I did. I'd like to think that there are some things that are beneath me. It would be nice to believe that I only imagined these things, but I know they are real.

There are people I've known in my life that I used and abused through no fault of their own. If I had been any kind of man, I would not have hurt them. I've heard that AA requires their people to go to everyone they've hurt and apologize. That's not an avenue that I, coward that I am, am prepared to take.

My Daddy always tried to teach me that you can lose an entire life of confidence with one stupid move. If the one you hurt never, ever trusts you again, you have no one to blame but yourself. Is it hard? Is it tough? Is it even fair? I suppose so. Still, that's just the way it is, like it or not!


I've done the excuses and what Bishop T.D. Jakes calls a "Yeah, But Card." I would blame every body, including God, but me. I'd think, "It's not my fault I'm in this situation. God could have saved me from my stupid mistakes, but He didn't." What a fool! I'm supposed to make a mess and God is supposed to clean it up?

I hope that I have repented of my sins. (Or is that am repenting?) I hope that I am a better man than I once was. I'd like to think so.

I can't go back and fix it. If there really was a way to repay the ones I hurt and make it right, I suppose I would. Though, I really wouldn't want to stir up those old ghosts again.

The only thing that I can do is try to live the kind of life today that says that I've changed and, perhaps, even matured. I can do my best to live in a manner that says that that old beast is gone, or at least, more or less, in submission. I can only attempt to have the kind of consistency in my life that says that I am not the boy I used to be. Maybe, someday, I will be a man...a Godly man. That is my greatest hope.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, in my own cowardly way, that if I hurt you or someone you care about...I'm truly, deeply, sorry. I apologize. I want you to know that I'm still far from perfect...very, very, very far! Yet, I hope I'm right when I say I've grown up quite a bit over the years. I certainly wouldn't even think about doing or saying some of the things I was doing some years ago.

Lastly, it is my hope that someone who knew me then and knows me now, if my time on earth were through, their final thought of me would be that I ended better than I started. I hope they believe I really did make a change and closed my life as a man who, at least, sincerely tried to be a better man.

I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, but maybe, by the Grace of God, you'll even go so far as to forgive me...maybe.