Fundamentalists and You

So much of what happens in Christianity is like “inside baseball.” It makes perfect sense to the fanatics who love and understand the game, (whoever they are,) but to the layman, the outsider, it’s all just a bunch of gibberish.

I once tried to explain the difference between Catholics and Baptists to a Japanese girl who was raised a Buddhist, but wasn’t really sure if she believed anything. I was a complete failure. All she could understand was that we both believe in Jesus.

Another difficult thing to explain is the difference between a Fundamentalist and, well, the rest of us. Now, if you are among the multitudes of lost souls who are on the outside looking in, you most likely see little if any difference. You certainly wouldn’t see what all the controversy is about. Don’t we all believe in Jesus?

A man I once thought I knew, whom I thought was wise, once told me, “There are some things I won’t even argue about. There are some things I will argue about. There are some things I will die for.” I think having the wisdom and discretion to know and relate the difference, is a challenge for most Christians. Especially when dealing with the profane.

Well, some differences simply aren’t worth worrying about. Some are desperately worth our concern. Just because someone can’t tell the difference doesn’t mean there is no difference. The question is only, are those differences worth the fight.

Many unbelievers or even believers with whom I engage in any sort of religious combat don’t understand why I am so repulsed by their attempt to label me as a Fundamentalist. They sometimes say, “Don’t you believe in Jesus?” Immediately, the answer is yes, but to attempt to explain further can, at times, be completely frustrating! There are some distinctions, very important ones at that, that cannot be explained in a simple enough sentence to allow their ignorant minds to comprehend the gravity, or lack thereof, of our disagreements.

While I do believe the KJV is inspired by God and that He actually built the universe in six days, they cannot seem to get it through their heads that there are massive differences between the average Fundamentalist and myself. I don’t like being called a Fundamentalist anymore than a Georgian likes being called a Tennessean. The average Yankee may not know the difference, but here in “Jesus Land,” we certainly do. After the same manner, simply because there is a similarity in doctrines, the discerning eye, the receptive heart and attentive ear will promptly observe the contrasts.

So, allow me, if you will, to enumerate some of the problems I find with “Fundamentalists” and the things to which they so passionately adhere. Some, I find laughable. Others, I occasionally, find revolting still, others are anathema to God’s Holy Scriptures.

1. Fundamentalists refer to the Bible as the “Word of God” when the Bible doesn’t even make that claim.

2. Fundamentalists say they take the Bible “literally”…except when they don’t.

3. Fundamentalists believe the book of Revelation is the last book of the Bible.

4. Fundamentalists believe a woman can’t be a pastor simply because she can’t be the “husband of one wife.”

5. Fundamentalists believe the “New Jerusalem” is Heaven.

6. Fundamentalists believe there are horses in Heaven.

7. Fundamentalists believe the streets of Heaven are paved with gold.

8. Fundamentalists think they’ll actually have a big house in Heaven.

9. Fundamentalists get angry when you disagree with them. They sometimes go so far as to say, “You don’t believe the Bible,” or “You must be lost,” or even, “You’re stupid!”

10. Fundamentalists believe the KJV is the “Bible” and all other versions are straight out of Hell.

11. Fundamentalists like to jump pews, love preachers who go “hah-hooey,” and think it’s really great when a preacher grabs a potted plant and runs around the sanctuary with it.

12. Fundamentalists don’t really know anyone outside of their little circles who are actually living right.

13. Fundamentalists have no doubt that Jesus retains the scars in His hands from His crucifixion. For some reason though, He doesn’t bear any of the scars from his beatings.

14. Fundamentalists believe Lucifer is Satan.

15. Fundamentalists believe that angels once had relations with human women and made babies who became giants.

16. Fundamentalists think that Satan was once God’s “number one” angel.

17. Fundamentalists say that when Jesus told the thief on the cross, “This day, thou shalt be with me in Paradise,” He didn’t mean Heaven.

18. Fundamentalists claim that there was a place between Heaven and Hell where God kept the Saints of old before the resurrection. No, I don’t mean Purgatory.

19. Fundamentalists tell poor, lost Jews that they are still “God’s people.”

20. Fundamentalists are more concerned with your sin than your salvation.

Certainly, not every mark of a Fundamentalist is in this list and not having all of them doesn’t disqualify you from fitting very neatly into this crowd. Yet, these are some of the symptoms I’ve found most egregious from my soirees into the dangerous world of modern American Christian Fundamentalism. A.K.A. the Fundamentalist Zone.